Yesterday, I became aware of a hot new diet program called "AFD." Now, I don't need it, because I've already lost 60 pounds the old fashioned way, by putting less food in my mouth than I used to, getting some daily exercise, and taking some of my own brand of supplements.
But you need not worry about these things yourself, because the new AFD Diet works, even if you don't follow it. And what could be easier than that? (Hefting Jello shooters might come to mind.) This new diet is simply too good to be true.
In Week 1, you get to drench all your food in butter...or pork fat.It doesn't matter what it is...it could be Cheeto's dunked in pork fat...or an Elvis sandwich dunked in butter.
Now y'all remember the Elvis. It was a whole loaf of pullman bread, filled with peanut butter and jelly and then stuffed with a pound of bacon, which was then fried on the grill, on all sides, in butter. Elvis once flew his entire entourage to Denver, picked up 50 of the sandwiches and then flew back to Graceland.
In Week 2, you get giant pancakes and sausage biscuits, with any kind of hash you like, and they serve it on huge platters, with donuts to mop up everything. You can drink Cokes till the cows come home and there are candy bars to keep your energy levels up all the time.
In Week 3, you get Pizza any time you like and it's none of that thin style Cali-Forn-Ya stuff. No sirreebob, it's all Chicago style, deep dish extravaganza and there are at least 100 toppings, including foie gras and caviar. Beer is the beverage of the week and it comes in Oktoberfest mugs, which hold about a gallon.
In Week 4, it's fried everything. You name it...if you can fry it...you can eat it. The highlight of the week is burgers from a joint in Memphis, where they deep fry your burgers in grease that hasn't been changed in 80 some years. You just haven't lived, until you've had one of these. The dessert highlight is fried Cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Any cheesecake they make can be fried in beer batter.
From Week 5 on, it's just rinse and repeat. The extra weight you've been carrying will just fall off as you gorge yourself and sleep off each meal. By the end of Week 7 or 8, you should be down 30 pounds or so.
Some wiseacre just had to ask what AFD stood for.
April Fool's Day.
Because we all know that no diet can be successful if you just keep doing what you've always done.
Losing weight...and getting fit and healthy, requires that you make some new lifestyle changes. I've always recommended you take one step at a time and gradually phase out the bad choices, in favor of good ones.
Then...before you know it...you have started losing unwanted poundage. And believe me, nobody really wants to carry around that extra flubber, in spite of protestations to the contrary.
Start by getting my Powerhouse Omega Formula. Then start taking it. It will help you start moving the sludge in your bloodstream out the door. Then stop drinking soda, or eating snack food. Do one thing to help yourself every week and in three months, you'll have dropped some weight, without a lot of effort.
Then keep going. And every once in a while, treat yourself to one of your old favorites. (Once in a month.) You're going to get a surprise sometimes...some of that stuff just doesn't taste that good, after you give it up.
Just don't let me catch you eating an Elvis sandwich.
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